Top 10 lies Nigerians tell

Sidenote: This was written in 2012, my first attempt at comedic writing. I think I didn't do too badly

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So I was at KFC the other day – KFC as in (Iya) Kafaya’s Fried Chin-chin –  and this random idea came to me; I thought I’d list the most common lies Nigerians tell and put them in increasing order of seriousness. This is by no means an authoritative list. Feel free to re-arrange, interject, reshuffle…. just drop your comments and let me know what you think. More lies are welcome 

10. “I RESPECT YOUR OPINION”
Oh please; you don’t respect my opinion. If you did, you wouldn’t be arguing with me. And please I don’t even want you to respect my opinion – I want you to hear it.

9. “I DON’T HAVE CREDIT”

MTN must be doing one of their “Win A Plane” promos because when you dial *556# they say you have a balance of ₦200. Who put it there?

8. “NOTHING”/”I DON’T KNOW”
I love the first one for the fact that it’s a kill-all-one-liner. Both can answer just about any question and you go scott free.

“What are you doing?” – “Nothing”.

“What were you watching” – “Nothing”.

“Who is that”? – “I don’t know”

7. (OVER THE PHONE) “I’M EATING KFC”

Oh really? Then what’s that oily WAEC Past Question Paper doing in your hand? We all know Iya Kafaya’s shop oh.

6. (OVER THE PHONE) “HELLO, I’M JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE MY HOUSE”

No you’re not, you still have your towel around your waist, you’re yet to brush your teeth and there’s no way on earth you will “be there in 30 minutes”

5. “I’M COMING”

This one can mean two things. First is that you’re actually going, but you’re telling the “liee” that you’re “coming”. The second… em….

4. “IT’S FOR MY TEXTBOOKS/PTA DUES/PROJECT”

Raise your hand if you NEVER used this lie against your parents. My two hands are up, one for each parent,  how about yours?

3. “THERE WAS TRAFFIC”

Everyone gets away with this one. I hear it even works in Abuja and Ibadan too these days.

2. “NO NAAAAH”/”I WAS JOKING”

Very handy for when you just said your mind and the “liee” fired you their own back or took it personal. This one has saved many relationships and friendships. Works like a charm every time.

1. “THEY SENT IT”
This one is age-old, tried and tested, back from secondary school days. That bag you bought from Alaba – “they sent it”. The shoes you got from the neighbourhood palm-maker - “they sent it”. Even the bra you inherited from your elder sister – “they sent it”. hehehe

So what do y’all think? Did I nail it? Did you like this? Go ahead and share with others. Don’t be stingy, use any of the share buttons below thank you.

Image from The Theatre Archive.